The Life of an Average Gay Man

As part of the Myers Briggs Inventory, people learn where they get energy from and how they are able to recuperate or recharge. I personally fall right in-between the two, which can be confusing and challenging, but also rewarding. The rewards are that I am apt to being adaptable, handling change, and being slightly unpredictable. For example, when the pendulum is leaning toward the extroverted side, I can go out into the city to a gay club by myself and dance and talk to strangers. As a single man, with few single friends, or friends interested in going to the club, this ability to independently go out is highly advantageous, although not very successful in finding me a boyfriend. On the other side of the coin, I can be completely okay spending a significant time alone and on occaision really need that time in order to feel energized and ready to hang out with a group of friends.

The drawbacks can be that I start to spend too much time alone to the point where I do not want to go anywhere, do anything, or spend time with anyone, feeding into my depression. Or I am so desperate to go out to the club, or bar and just have fun, that I am reckless and make poor decisions. Thus I need balance, which I believe is why I am perfectly in-between this dichotomy. When there is balance, my overall well-being is healthier. In my present situation of being unemployed, single, and living at home, achieving that balance is particularly difficult and I am not sure how to fix it.

One time I went on a cruise to Bermuda for 7 days as part of my friends’ honeymoon. There we ten of us and myself and the two other single people were in a mini-suite together. It was the most wild vacation I have been on to date and consisted of drinking and being awake 20 hours a day and only sleeping 4. I am sure this sounds like an introverts nightmare, but I had a blast! Though in keeping with the theme of balance, I always carved out and hour or two of each day where I was alone in a hot tub, or my room, my balcony or a deck staring out into the ocean. Because even though that I was a time where the pendulum was at the extrovert extreme, I still needed that balance of being alone and finding peace in order to continue to be a crazy party animal. I also find the most peace being near the ocean, so a cruise ship/ island vacation, makes it really easy for me to recharge.

This article I found actually speaks really well how I feel and think.

https://highline.huffingtonpost.com/articles/en/gay-loneliness/

This post is inspired by my having the same nightmare twice last night; I dreamt that I never found love. Oddly enough, the sad future of being forever alone took place through How I Met Your Mother characters and the series finale. But waking up at 2:00am and at 7:00am with my heart-racing as well as aching, was rather unpleasant. I have always found sleeping, even though I don’t sleep well, to be a refuge from my anxiety and depression. So having that safe space infiltrated by my biggest fear was very unsettling and kept me awake for 2 hours after the first time and permantly the second time.

I have talked about dating before, but I am realizing that I really don’t know how to navigate it as a gay Christian living in Southeast Massachusetts. While I try to hope that I will find that special guy, it becomes increasingly difficult as I continue to be disappointed, not only in my love life, but in every aspect of my life. But that is all for today as I didn’t get much sleep 😅

This title is entirely misleading because I have never really been in a relationship.  I have had two boyfriends for approximately one month each when I was 24 and have gone on too many first dates, a few second dates, one or two third dates, and one guy who I went on 10 dates with, but wasn’t ready for a relationship…we have all heard that one before right?  

Dating as an average gay man is HARD. I mean it, it is one of the most challenging things in my life besides every other aspect of it.  I know I heard some “amens” out there.  I have used Grindr, Tinder, Ok Cupid, Match.com, Hinge, Scruff, and have been wildly unsuccessful in finding not only “the one” but someone, anyone, like am I the only gay man in Southeast, Massachusetts???

My typical experience with online dating is as follows:

1. We match, both swiped right, connected, etc.
2. We message for a few days or weeks.
3. We finally go on a first date anddddd I am not attracted to him or he is not attracted to me…
4. Then some ghosting occurs or a text being honest about the lack of attraction or some quote, unquote illnesses I have been told are mono, the stomach flu, and bronchitis…

I have grown so accustomed to this rhythm of online dating that I for the most part do not expect anything better or more to occur.  So I change apps, or take a hiatus from all apps and “focus on me”, but really I am just giving up for a while before I am ready to have a shred of hope that I will meet a guy of substance and there will be a mutual attraction.

In thinking about my dating past, a few stories come to mind that you may find entertaining…There was this guy (who is one of the few that have made it to the three date threshold) and we were on our second date.  We went to this nice pizza restaurant for dinner and then went back to his place.  As one thing led to another, we were making out on his bed and I was on top of him. I started getting this sensation that my nose was wet, so I touch my fingers to my nose and saw blood.  I then looked down and saw blood all over this guy’s white tank top and started freaking out and apologizing that I had a bloody nose.  He proceeded to laugh at me for several minutes and then went to take a shower and was still laughing at me afterward.  Needless to say, I was extremely embarrassed and am actually surprised I went on a third date with him after that incident. 

Cray. Cray cray. Crazy. Crayyyyzy. Crazzzzzy. Am I crazy?  I of late, and throughout my life have pondered this question.  And although the use of the word crazy to describe someone’s mental health state is controversial, I mean it in a dual sense of the word; I am as of right now (get out your DSM), diagnosed with Major Depressive and General Anxiety Disorder.  I also just do, say, and think crazy things.  As an example, we’ll look at my love life (of which there will be a chapter on later if you get through my ramblings).  I am a Ted Mosby.  If you are asking yourself, “who is Ted Mosby?” then I encourage you to stop reading, and go home and binge How I Met Your Mother on whatever is holding the rights to the show.  However if you do choose to keep reading, here is a very brief synopsis of is character.  

Ted is a hopeless or perhaps better described as a hopeful romantic.  He believes in finding “the one” and does incredibly unbelievably, you might say, crazy things along the road of finding his wife, such as stealing a blue French horn.  My favorite quote of his, and I will stop here and get back to me, is, “If you are not scared, then you are not taking a chance. If you are not taking a chance, then what the hell are you doing?”.  This quote has inspired me in times of insecurity and when I am attempting to make and decision and is quintessential  to Ted Mosby’s character.  

Alright, so back to me.  I will start talking to a guy on some dating app and as the conversation progresses, I dig deep inside and find the courage to ask him out on a date.  He will respond with some generic line like, “I want to get to know you more first” or “It takes me a while to meet a guy”.  And I say sure, that’s cool, I can wait.  In my mind I think that this is clearly going to be a waste of time and I should just indicate that I am not going to wait.  BUT then I think, what if I am patient and we eventually go on a date and it is super romantic with candles, roses, beaches, wine, etc., and then we date, and get engaged and he is the ONE!? I am totally crazy for thinking that, right?  This a real example of something that has happened in my life and as you might suspect, I am still single and have never experienced this grandiose, romantic notion that my mind concocts.  

Other than the romance department, I also apply this futuristic crazed thinking to jobs that I have not even applied for yet.  Recently this has occurred with applying to jobs that I am planning to be at temporarily, more will be explained in the next chapter.  So I look at a job as a server at some random restaurant, but not a well-known chain because I want to be at a restaurant slightly out of the norm so when I tell people it will be more interesting.  Are you getting the idea yet?  I then think about making friends, getting comfortable in the position, etc., but what if my dream job comes along in a month or two?  I am going to feel so guilty leaving so quickly. I even experience anxiety at the prospect of having to tell my potential boss, for a job I haven’t applied for that I am quitting.  

While being futuristic can be a positive thing, in this sense it is a bit problematic.  The point is though, we are all a little bit crazy in our own ways, whether it is a mental health kind of thing or just some variation of human behavior.  Just jump on the band wagon and be authentic to who you are!

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton